Style Rules You Must Never Break
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have, assuming that the job you want is not one in which you get to lounge around your apartment naked.
When This Is All Over
I will never complain about having to go to work. Every day, I will get down on my knees and kiss that gray carpeting, as long as the industrial fibres do not irritate my lips too badly.
April 13, 2020
If I go to the grocery store to wander the aisles of canned food which have nothing left, I’ll miss Skyping with my friend while we say over and over, “This is so crazy.”
March 30, 2020
Some Coronavirus Guidelines
The good news is that if you continue worrying you can avoid contracting the virus entirely by dying of a premature heart attack.
March 23, 2020
Your Check Is Ready
You must be very eager to have such a large check mailed to you. At the moment, it is sitting, pert and pretty, on our desk, waiting to be mailed.
March 2, 2020
X-Treme Rules of the X.F.L.
We have created this helpful guide to usher you through the X-Citing, X-Cessive football game play that revolutionizes the boring old No Fun League.
February 24, 2020
To My Relatives
If you are reading this, I am dead. Please have me cremated. Then form the ashes into the shape of me. Then deep-fry me. Then bury me with full military honors.
February 10, 2020
Etymology of Some Common Typos
The word “jumptde” is an elongated verb form of pre-Celtic origin, later common in Turkic languages, which fell out of favor when it became kind of a pain.
February 3, 2020
I’ve been lying awake reliving a two-second awkward experience I had in front of a casual acquaintance three years ago. Sure, I’ll hold.
January 27, 2020
The Same-Sex Lives of the Animal Kingdom
I’m not a sex crustacean—I’m just me. And if that means using my genetically enlarged right claw to attract other singles for a last-ditch attempt at romance in a tank at Red Lobster, so be it.
January 20, 2020